Hold the Mayo(and save a life—mine)!

I have lived in Sacramento, California for about five months now after moving here from my hometown of Kenosha, Wisconsin. The differences which I encountered are legion and would take tens of thousands of words to document. Since I moved to Sac in Cali(don’t I sound all California-cool), I have started writing articles for a local online “newspaper”, the Sacramento Press. I write about various things, most having to do with my culture shock since moving. A recent article I wrote made me pause and question my current sanity! You see, I did a 553 word article on California’s apparent obsession with mayonnaise as a condiment.

Yes, you are not having delusions, at least not of my articles making. You read my words correctly. A 553 word article on mayonnaise as a condiment. I am not talking about mayonnaise in potato salad or tuna salad or egg salad. I am talking about mayonnaise on the buns which hold your hamburger, on the buns that hold your hot dogs, spread on the bread which holds sandwiches of various kinds. My roommate even uses mayonnaise with french fries the way that I am use ketchup with fries(like a normal person). She jokes that if terrorists or a hit man(is it more politically correct to say hit person?) wanted to get to her(why either would want to do so, I have no idea), they would get to her by slipping a poison into her jar of mayonnaise. Since she is the one doing most of the meal preparation in the house, this means that I too have become a potential innocent bystander who could be taken out by her hypothetical terrorists and hit men(hit people?).

I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she prepares. That, and the fact that my food prep skills are limited to PB&J and Ramen soup primarily. But I also don’t want to die at the hands of mayo-poisoning terrorists. Once I figure out how to handle this touchy subject, I can move on to my next big project—ending her crusade to get me to eat squash and enjoy it.

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